Hope Springs Eternal

Under the Cherry Blossom trees: look how blue the sky was! I can’t tell you how happy I am that winter is gone. I stood under the tree and looked up, for the first time in a long time, I felt hope again. I’m going to get deep for a minute and then I’ll never mention it again.

After the election it was a really dark time for me. I was angry at the racism and misogyny. I wasn’t ready to stop fighting. I felt like I was still in the trenches ready for battle but the battle was over. I didn’t know how to let go and I couldn’t get through the pain to refocus. I was angry for A LONG time.

Then I felt the pain, I felt my country — the only home I’ve known — betrayed me. I felt tremendously disappointed in myself, like I had let down my community. After working for a Latino magazine for years and being an unofficial ambassador, this was my life, and so I felt I had let everyone down. I failed. I know logically that wasn’t the case, yes I know all the facts, we won the popular, now we know Russia was involved etc… it’s just the way it felt at the time.

As a woman, I felt I wasn’t even allowed the time to mourn this moment in American Herstory. This man, Trump, robbed me of my joy in celebrating my candidate of choice, former Secretary Hillary Clinton, during the election and now robbed me of lamenting what this meant for me as female, as woman of color, because he then started putting ICE on maximum enforcement and passing Muslim bans. There wasn’t even time for many of us to stop and breathe before the country starting snowballing back into segregated 1950s.

On a personal level, I’ve never really failed at things, I’ve always just kept going until the goal is achieved; but this time there was nowhere else to go, nothing else I could do. I didn’t know how to process the loss or how to move forward; watching Trump pass these bans and put ICE on full force, watching families being torn apart in Arizona, Colorado, Virginia, Los Angeles, Texas… Just ripped the last pieces of my heart. That was the dark place. I was lost in a fog and I couldn’t climb out of it.

Those closest to me know that when those moments happen I tend to go inward and retreat to myself, I don’t want to hear positive words or affirmations, I don’t want to hear “it will be ok” or “hey we will get them next time” This isn’t a damn game of monopoly, people’s lives are on the line!

I still think anyone that supports Trump is disgusting, that will never change. BUT just like the sun is finally coming out, I too am finally ready to emerge. I feel so much better and stronger. I have focus again, I am no longer living on the island of despair. The battle may have ended but the war isn’t over. I’m not sure what lies next but I am going to enjoy every day I’m here in DC & hopefully find my way back to TX. I WILL be part of helping Texas turn blue💙 #RiseUp

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[originally published via my Medium page]

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2 thoughts on “Hope Springs Eternal

  1. Loved this and I relate. I’ve been feeling so helpless and sad at seeing our country feel like it’s regressing and countless lives/families be affected. Also trying to get past my anger at the ignorance and blindness of the masses but hopefully we can open eyes a few at a time.

    1. ugh, I feel ya. I don’t know that this is something that any of us will ever really be able to “get over” I think it will definitely be a stand-still moment in our history, and then we will move past this, but we will NEVER forget, this will be a source of contention for years ahead. Even now, it is a huge deal breaker for a lot of folks. Myself included! 🙂

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